So. I started this blog and disappeared for 7 months. No. I had no intention of abandoning this. In fact I was constantly overwhelmed with the overflowing ideas and I haphazardly tried sorting them out. But the truth is, there was just so much going on in my life that I had to put it on Hold. I capitalized the H in hold.. because it kind of sort of became a noun. Hold. Everything in my life went on hold. It became a demon of some sort. Haunting and terrorizing every step of the way.
Initially I was unsure of how to disclose that I had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I still am unsure for the most part. I am unsure if I want the look in their eyes to change to.. pitiful. You know how in movies when something great happens or someone falls in love.. the birds start singing in the background, the violins play the sweetest sounds, everyone moves in slow motion and smiles, hair flies with the wind (and not all up in your face sticking to your lip gloss)???
Well, when the Dr. Told me what I had, I felt like someone standing on top of the Burj Khalifa had dropped a large piece of glass.. and it had landed on stop of my head, shattering all around my shoulders and piercing and scratching my skin. That is exactly what I heard. That is exactly how I felt.
As days turned into weeks and weeks evolved into months, I searched and googled all that I could. Initially I didnt wanna read or hear what anyone had to say. But after a few Taxol doses..I became more aware of my surroundings. Finding solace in Survivor Blogs became an obsession. I still try to wonder what it would be like few months down the road. The Blogs all appear cheerful eventually. People claiming they are stronger..and the pain has subsided..and the hair is back..the sour taste in mouth is gone..the numbness is fingers has disappeared..the self image improves as you learn to accept your reality.
I like reading about these people. I am very thankful for these blogs. I completely understand how hard it may be to put down your feelings in words. Putting it all out there for people to read. It courages. May be one day I can be of help like that to someone too. Insha Allah.
For now, I am just happy to be done with Chemo. 16 cycles to be exact. Dense dose given on a fast track. Reminds me of Mohammed Ali punches. A quick *dhishh dhishhh dhishh*
So glad God gave me strength and will power to fight this through. May He protect us all from this vicious disease.