Lost hope, Lost Love

My mamma used to tell me “Beta har cheez jannay ki zaroorat nahi” in short that translates to “Ignorance is a bliss”. And boy was she right; in some cases.

When you are starting to freshly experience life as a young adult everything is about the NEW and EXCITEMENT. Things are either Black or White. There is rarely any grey area. I meet girls who are desperate to get married or very much against marriage. When asked about the reason why they feel a certain way they mostly point to instances that have taken place in their personal life, or in their circle (family or friends). They are missing the spark of hope. Hope for happiness, hope for feeling deserving of attention and love.

What I have been noticing in “early to  mid 20s” lot lately is that their idea of life and love and reality is very obscure. Is it the fact that too much knowledge is at hand now for these young women? Are they finding out unnecessary information that really is no business to a girl in her 20’s? all the instagramming and facebooking screwing up perspectives of life. Life doesn’t come with Filters honey, you have to create what you can with what you have available.

They have initially set super high expectations of the way life SHOULD be, and then they feel its too ideal and unrealistic. Something that, the chances of which are very minimal.

I used to feel the same way, and eventually I discovered something. At the turn of ‘adulthood’ I was finally starting to realize the difference. I knew that falling in love (crush) came with a thrill; an unknown…short term relationships were experimental and involved late night chats and shallow promises.

but LOVING continuously was a chore.. (in a good way). In order to love your partner the same amount as yesterday or more you had to struggle every day. every. day.

It is human nature; we tend to start taking things for granted after a while. In a long term relationship …in marriage you have to constantly remind your self of the first few moments of feelings that brought you here in the first place. You have to remind yourself day and night. When you feel down, when you feel like something is not right…

it is like you are planting a seed… and your hands are muddy… and you are sweating… and it is so!much! work! But you have ultimate hope in your heart that it will, in the end, bloom into a beautiful flower… 🙂

So what I am saying is that, happiness in a relationship is not attained in isolation. The daily aspects of “planting a seed of love and effort” are necessary for your input to grow and flourish.

At this point so many girls have said to me “IT is not a one-way traffic. There should be some sort of response from the other party as well”. Yes, you are right, but don’t you think the other person is thinking the same thing? At least start doing something nice, and you will see results…and have hope girls. Have hope. The Universe provides.

Proposal Disaster

So, I went to a close relatives funeral last month. It was a loss for the whole family. What I did not realize was that through this hard time I will manage to laugh out loud. Yes, what I am about to disclose is a shocking insight into the Rishta (Proposal)/Aunty Culture in Pakistan.

One of the deadly places where the desi aunties hunt for girls for their sons is… Funerals. I know, SHOCKING, but apparently any gathering in our community calls for an instant quest of Rishta Hunt. Some lady apparently approached my Aunt and inquired  about some girl she saw at the funeral (to send a proposal) . Turns out, that “girl”  was me 😀 So my Aunt laughed it off and told her that not only was I married, I had a kid. So, much to her dismay, she continued on her hunt for the Perfect Bahu (Daughter-in-law).

My question to the society is where have you guys been?

Really. When my mom was actually looking for me to get married, it seemed like an endless battle! Seriously.  I think some girls are just lucky if they do get approached in a regular (well..) setting. I know people who have gotten married literally by being approached by some random aunty at a wedding.  The whole coming to the house, meeting the whole family individually, serving Tea & Samosas is just too demeaning.

For additional gossip please read Coffee, Tea or Samosa

Coffee, Tea or Samosa?

I have been itching to talk about this topic for so long. I think I’m gonna faint. In Pakistan, it is like holding your breath under water. You know you won’t last long, and it is impossible to do so. But you have got to hold it in nonetheless.

When I moved to Pakistan I was barely 18. The first few month were a quick blur. As my 18th birthday approached, I remember the urgency of my khaandan walay (extended family) who would probe and investigate my parents as to when I was either getting betrothed, engaged, nikkafied or married. At that time it was just so hilarious. What is so unique about a 21st century girl wanting to study and do something with her life other than cooking and cleaning? No offence to the housewives, I am a fulltime mom now. And mind you it is the toughest job I have ever done! And I have tasted many aspects of the working field. I worked for a multinational Big 4 accountancy firm, taught Professional level students AND I have simultaneously taken my small business (with help of a wonderful partner) from an exciting hobby to an exhilarating international thing.

So my question remained unanswered. Why? Why this urgency?

My queries were further jumbled up when I noticed how relaxed and patient the Larka walas (Boy’s side) always seemed. They were always clear in their head the type of Bahu (daughter in law) they were looking for.

No matter how side-ki-mang (side hair partition) the son was, the mother always seemed to demand a Gori (fair in complexion) Educated, slim, tall, young and sophisticated girl for her Kaway-ke-mu-wala son. Not to mention she should know how to cook and maintain a household. Aunty-ji what I don’t get is, how do you expect a 16-17 year old to be educated and cook and clean? Seriously.

And do NOT even get me started on the selection process! Oh. I still remember. During a sleep over, my 17 year old cousin asked me “what is wrong with the rishta process? How come the 19 year olds are getting married. And the 24 year olds are not?” And I drew her a nice diagram. Which I will find and attach later! Heh I am sure I still have it here somewhere…

It was basically about the aunties who are desperately searching for a young girl of 18-19 for her 25 year old son. Which is completely understandable. But then, so are the women who have 30+ year old sons. And in the midst of this all, the ambitious 24 year old girl, who went to college, completed her MBA, and got a decent job is left unattended.

The sad part about the culture is that, somehow, they always manage to blame the girl for not being married before she is 24.

To be continued… (for sure)